We move on, do we?

I looked into the mirror and I saw something I did not like. I kept on staring and wondering, who is she? It’s you idiot! It’s you!! Mind answered. 

What have I become? What has time done to me? What have I done to “ME”?

I’m not just 12kg heavier in looks but my heart probably is way more heavy. I’ve been trying not to think about it but then again how can I not. They say what happened in past should not affect your present and your future but what they forget is that it actually defines you, shapes you and makes you “YOU”.

I know break-ups, relationships and all of it are touchy topics. I also know opening up about it will mean I’ll subject myself to a lot of questions and a lot of judgements which may or may not have a bright side but nonetheless I’ve decided to go ahead.

Most of the girls dream of a knight in shinning armour. My dream was simple. I wasn’t waiting for a knight. It was going to be just a guy in white shirt walking with me hand in hand on the silver sand with the music of sea and the beautiful moonlight. I did not want a ring. He just had to say will you be mine “Forever and for-always”? My eyes would twinkle and I would say yes, yes YES! Yup, no knight in shining armour.

There have been guys in my life but this one in particular was someone I thought I’ll spend rest of my life with. We met. We kept on meeting. We were spending a lot of time together. We did not confess anything then. I left the place. We were in touch on phone. That is when I told myself, “This is it, he is the one”. I packed my bags. I was gonna be with him. I came to an unknown city. Trust me, I come from a relatively small town called Porbander and coming to Bangalore without even knowing where would I live was either very brave or very stupid. As they say there is a fine line between brave and stupid :)

Yup, we had a jar in which there were all the good memories of 2011!

Bangalore.. hmmm… The start wasn’t that great. But then he came and things changed. My world became different. My world was now a human being. Yes, I did let him become my “World”. I shouldn’t have done that. We lived in a world of our own. There was me-made food, good times, not-much-of-drinking, no-smoking, tv, more food and not-a-very-social life. Something was going wrong. Something was going extremely wrong. 

Infact we did!

Fights? I don’t know when did that start. I remember how did that start. I can’t explain what heights did it reach. Our once a happy life was changing and we did not even know why? 

The ones say heartbreaks are more painful than broken legs or broken back I would want to question them. 

I’m a scorpion. I tend to get angry. A lot. Does my anger have limits? I don’t know. Ask the marks of nails I’ve left on his shoulder or his wrist. Does his anger have limits? Ask my chronic back pain, my retina which has a tear or my thigh which has a purple-blue-red-black mark for weeks and which was has like 10cm diameter. I know I hurt him in ways which no power in the world can heal and I also know I’ve been hurt way too much to love someone wholeheartedly. When I look at someone and think of caring for him the picture of my bleeding nose stops me and ask me, “Really?”. There there there goes the answer, “You could try!”. Not really.

I’ve always been good at getting gifts. After turning the whole world upside down on his birthday (He did the same for me and I always acted not-so-happy no matter what he did) something happened on 31st which made me think. 

From we went from “I am such a mess even at my best, I’m better with you!” to “you’re better without me!”

Things changed. All of a sudden I had nothing to look upto, no one to care for and no one who would care about me in that way. 

We both realise things went wrong. We don’t know how. We don’t know when. 

I still remember when I said I’ll leave and he said, “ leave day the day after because I have a party tomorrow.”

I still remember him downloading Truecaller as I said my final goodbye.

I still remember him saying, “See you later” when my heart was crying, screaming that “Don’t let me go! Stop me!” and let me go. 

That’s when I became “Blank”. It’s not just my counterstrike alias. I actually am blank about what happened, blank about whats happening, blank about what am I feeling.

We dreamt of a small wedding, white gown, awesome music and good food. We dreamt of watching Red Devils at Old Trafford. We dreamt of a happy life. We dreamt.

Dreams, silly!

This too shall pass?

The Awesome Men At JustUnfollow - An almost heartfelt note!

I thought I'll write this post before we grow in number!

*hums* Men, men, men, men, manly men men men! 

Today I shared:

Boys speak, but gentleman acts!

Salman designed this one :)

So they say they bear a year-full of torture and claim to be unknown to this wonderful day called “International Men’s Day”! Hahaha I know they are right in many ways even though a lot of us would have points against it. We celebrate this day to address some important things like men's and boys' health, improving gender relations, promoting gender equality, and highlighting positive male role models (That’s what wikipedia says).

So this one is for all the men at my work (Yes it’s their day and I’m being nice ;))

Let me tell you something about all of them (I’ll stick to the good part, of course)

I was gonna be biased but chose a better way out. Lets go alphabetic with there CounterStrike alias or real life nicknames in brackets :)

Aaqib (Aqu):  Newwww. I dont really know him much but seems like a super quiet one. If you’re my height you’ll need a short ladder to talk to him eye to eye.

Ahmed: Newerrrrr. Looks like a fresher but works like a pro (Which he is). 

Anirudh (Ani- Freespirit): Smart ideas, intellectual talks, different yet amazing sense of humour, love for food and even moooooreeee love for toys (might kill me for calling them mere toys) it’s him. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does you’ll be amazed.

Chetan (Nickname): The leader. #TeamBackEnd #WalkGroup #ScienceJustUnfollow. If you love arguing and have logic this is the guy you need to talk with. Also JustUnfollow Hootsuite app is his baby!

Deepak (Deepak365): He is better365 too! Our daily source of inspiration. Positive, smart, hardworking and full of all those good qualities. You’ll feel those positive vibes when you are around him :)

Devrishi (Dev/Bizz): Being friends with him came super naturally. #NoFilter. You’ll see some good things happening at SuperResumeBuilder, that’s Dev Effect. Plus he plays awesome gaane (<<My personal opinion)

Faisal (The One): He is superrrrrrr. Super animate. I presume his team will win every game of dumb-charades ;) Ye hai super ka SuperResumeBuilder, build your CV on your phone!

Farhan (Tartan): Though he renamed himself as Jhinga laa laa, we are gonna call him Tartan! Super young and talented and enthusiastic and simply awesome. Our Instagram superstar!

Karan (Phoenix): Curry, Karma whatever you call him he will answer because “That is how he rolls”. He apparently is the next instagram superstar ;)

Nischal (Zero): Talks. Talks. Talks. That was my first impression. Ofcourse he is genius (I am saying this because I really am not gonna deny the facts today). When I started playing counterstrike my sole aim was to kill Zero. One day he dreams to play guitar in front of 500 people (that would be Team JustUnfollowhttp://www.justunfollow.com)

Nishant (Nobody): I can’t write anything here because you see I’m writing good things ;) He is Nobody.

Rajneesh: Raj, naam to suna hi hoga! I would never forget the day he came to the office for the first time. We all were so engrossed in playing counterstrike that I don’t even know if anyone payed attention to what he was saying. Responsible is the word.

Salman (Infinity): Young designer. Health enthusiast. I like his designs and so do our followers. Might be the reason of me losing weight, hell he makes me run so much :)

Sameer (Now father of two/Peter): The fun guy. The guy responsible for many good things in our app. If you can make him give you a treat I will bow down to you, thrice!

Shardul (Silencer Only): Delight is in details. The big time Apple fan. Sweet guru guy who is super passionate about his work!

Shobhit (Boxodi): I’ve said this before and I’ll say this again I absolutely adore him and his sense of humour. Full of enthusiasm and ideas he has this spark which makes him HIM. Plus he owns inkmat :)

Shyamal: I’m yet to know him. He too is full of ideas. Let’s see how it goes, right?

Siddarth (KidSid): Amazing sense of humour. Lives in his own world. Loves what he does. Super serious about his work. Yet another Apple fan. He has ability to become “Party ki shaan”.

Siddharth (Sid): The real Sid believes in doing things 10X better, 20X faster and make stuff 200X awesome. Yes that is him. You can feel the high energy when you talk to him. Before I forget to mention, super helpful!

Don't kill me for this pic!

Sudhagar (Shot): Straightforward. Red Devil. I don’t know if he is naturally funny or I tend to just laugh at random things he says. This guy refers to himself in third person.

Vinit (Neo): Ummm yeah I knew people at JU but this one happens to be my first “Friend” here. A little different, a lot serious about his work, has not so secret life and has mastered counterstrike in a very short time. 

When I left Bangalore and decided to come here I wasn’t sure how will it be and how would I feel being a part of this team which was male dominated (Yeah I came from mDhil where women ruled). But I feel so at home here that my smile keeps on widening and laughter is just getting louder and louder. I’m getting better at CounterStrike, Salman has made me his “football” target and I’m sure I’m gonna loose a lot of weight. 

Everyone here is super special in some way or the other. One of these says I use the L word a lot that it doesn’t mean anything but well it does and I love them all!

Edited: Adding more heroes :) 

It’s been quite some time since we played CS and well not everyone plays you see :) Anyways I decided to continue with my “Awesome men at JU” and am adding the new ones who’ve recently joined!

Narendra: I really, really thought he is the quite one. Was I right? NO. This one has claimed his place as frontend God who gives ashirwad. 

Bilal: This one is super hardworking. Basically he loves working. He would rather work than waste his time. Getting where am I getting? 

Harsh: If you're not okay with this pic, you can't help it I'm not gonna change it or something :D

Harsh (Inferno): Friend. I did not even know why was he hired (don’t kill me!) but I’m glad he was. You know right, I’ve say only good things. Motivated. Self-driven. Enthusiastic. Foodie like me. The one who’ll choose aloo paratha over poha (if you know what I mean).

Parth: This one plays CS but hasn’t played it with us yet. Red-devil (I love your blue MUFC jacket).Master of joints (No?). Btw he is also the biker guy (see there are so many things I love:)).

A couple more have joined recently but well, I dunno them yet so it'll take some time till the next edit :)