We move on, do we?

I looked into the mirror and I saw something I did not like. I kept on staring and wondering, who is she? It’s you idiot! It’s you!! Mind answered. 

What have I become? What has time done to me? What have I done to “ME”?

I’m not just 12kg heavier in looks but my heart probably is way more heavy. I’ve been trying not to think about it but then again how can I not. They say what happened in past should not affect your present and your future but what they forget is that it actually defines you, shapes you and makes you “YOU”.

I know break-ups, relationships and all of it are touchy topics. I also know opening up about it will mean I’ll subject myself to a lot of questions and a lot of judgements which may or may not have a bright side but nonetheless I’ve decided to go ahead.

Most of the girls dream of a knight in shinning armour. My dream was simple. I wasn’t waiting for a knight. It was going to be just a guy in white shirt walking with me hand in hand on the silver sand with the music of sea and the beautiful moonlight. I did not want a ring. He just had to say will you be mine “Forever and for-always”? My eyes would twinkle and I would say yes, yes YES! Yup, no knight in shining armour.

There have been guys in my life but this one in particular was someone I thought I’ll spend rest of my life with. We met. We kept on meeting. We were spending a lot of time together. We did not confess anything then. I left the place. We were in touch on phone. That is when I told myself, “This is it, he is the one”. I packed my bags. I was gonna be with him. I came to an unknown city. Trust me, I come from a relatively small town called Porbander and coming to Bangalore without even knowing where would I live was either very brave or very stupid. As they say there is a fine line between brave and stupid :)

Yup, we had a jar in which there were all the good memories of 2011!

Bangalore.. hmmm… The start wasn’t that great. But then he came and things changed. My world became different. My world was now a human being. Yes, I did let him become my “World”. I shouldn’t have done that. We lived in a world of our own. There was me-made food, good times, not-much-of-drinking, no-smoking, tv, more food and not-a-very-social life. Something was going wrong. Something was going extremely wrong. 

Infact we did!

Fights? I don’t know when did that start. I remember how did that start. I can’t explain what heights did it reach. Our once a happy life was changing and we did not even know why? 

The ones say heartbreaks are more painful than broken legs or broken back I would want to question them. 

I’m a scorpion. I tend to get angry. A lot. Does my anger have limits? I don’t know. Ask the marks of nails I’ve left on his shoulder or his wrist. Does his anger have limits? Ask my chronic back pain, my retina which has a tear or my thigh which has a purple-blue-red-black mark for weeks and which was has like 10cm diameter. I know I hurt him in ways which no power in the world can heal and I also know I’ve been hurt way too much to love someone wholeheartedly. When I look at someone and think of caring for him the picture of my bleeding nose stops me and ask me, “Really?”. There there there goes the answer, “You could try!”. Not really.

I’ve always been good at getting gifts. After turning the whole world upside down on his birthday (He did the same for me and I always acted not-so-happy no matter what he did) something happened on 31st which made me think. 

From we went from “I am such a mess even at my best, I’m better with you!” to “you’re better without me!”

Things changed. All of a sudden I had nothing to look upto, no one to care for and no one who would care about me in that way. 

We both realise things went wrong. We don’t know how. We don’t know when. 

I still remember when I said I’ll leave and he said, “ leave day the day after because I have a party tomorrow.”

I still remember him downloading Truecaller as I said my final goodbye.

I still remember him saying, “See you later” when my heart was crying, screaming that “Don’t let me go! Stop me!” and let me go. 

That’s when I became “Blank”. It’s not just my counterstrike alias. I actually am blank about what happened, blank about whats happening, blank about what am I feeling.

We dreamt of a small wedding, white gown, awesome music and good food. We dreamt of watching Red Devils at Old Trafford. We dreamt of a happy life. We dreamt.

Dreams, silly!

This too shall pass?